read carefully

"Everybody talks and everybody listens,

but somehow the truth always comes up missin"

Sometimes we rely too much on other views because we always try to be self-conscious about being "one-sided" since its deemed taboo nowadays. I dont know where people got this sense of reliability from when it comes to peers. Not only that, i feel like i'd be risking my solid views when i tell people my story. Pitty comes to mind but thats useless to me, give me a solution or walk the fuck off. All that sentimental generic bullshit dont phase me. Some people think they listen but they dont. They paraphrase in their head and just focus on the big issues. Sometimes in order to solve a problem or to be able to comfort someone, you need to nit-pick the little things thats underlaying. Buuuuutttt... its all just theories.. so listen if you want, otherwise ignore.

IDGAF

Just trying to not fall off the edge, because i was hanging off it. I learned that some things u cant mend and some people will always stays the same. People thats hurting the most always has the worst intentions, whether they know it or not. But its whatever, im always quick to forgive, theres more things i need to worry about in life than...

i keep telling everyone. Im not trying to be wrong, im not trying to talk shit, nor am i trying to hide shit. My intentions are never out in the open, if only you'd take a minute to think and try to figure it out, you would see for yourself. Im always trying to protect someone from something, theres always a goal to my actions. Every move is geared towards SOMETHING. So dont sit there and think im doing you wrong. If you havent figured me out yet, i suggest you come talk to me.

IDGAF

lak;jksdioeidlkas;ldfs

As i pull up to the driveway. there she was. we had no way of contacting eachother becase my phone was dead. i was more buzzed than usual, driving thru traffic going the opposite of home for abt 15 minutes, weavin in and out of the lane. yes it was wrong to do but sometimes u gotta do what you gotta do. i owed this to myself for the exaggurated amount of time i was away... theres no telling what she might do, all in all it was sort of a test to see what kind of reaction i can get out of her. my old self is still in tact. apparently drinking tonight increaased the speed of my train of thoughts even tho im looking down as i type this. all the amped up energy inside my heart suddenly burst open as i sat there drivig listening to songs that reminded me of "her" no need to name names, but it was a necessary disclosure to point out. i canat tell you how much of a limbo my mind has gone thru the past few days or weeks as a matter of fact. but one thimg for sure, i know where im heading this time. ive been wrapping my self up to feel so weak recently i cnt help to woner what greg would tell me if hes here. god i wished he was here... but i know i was put in this position for a reason. theres no if and or bts about it. and im determined to make it out. as always... a part of me feels like shes still; tjere and another part feels like shes longg gone. the two opposites sitting on my shoulders keeps me tied down to this transparent feel of insecurity which i hate portraying. im only human but yet i kick myself for it. it is wealk to show weakness and it is not like me to be so weak minded. i keep thinlking back to those days when i had nothing to lean on except for a brick walled heeart. and i liked it like that. i would give anything to bring that back. i guess i need to start by re building my resume for life. never in my life have i been so down for so long. its understandable to comprehend when u havent sipped the juice but i have.

night of the FROSTING pasties

On my first day back in the LA scene aka Level 3. That shit cracked!! not too many people, but everyone seems to be having fun. there was as many guys as there was girls. My night in particular involved ALOT of drinking... i mean ALOT! its the one club where i can probably have fun without drinking, but it seems like i always get wasted there! the beginning went smooth, all my people got in, except for 5 who got turned down at the front of the line cus they were 5 mins late! but i still got them in anyways... met an old myspace friend for the first time! haha it was weird but fun at the same time, i always told her to come out to my clubs but she never did until last night, it was a pleasant surprise. lol. And anotherrr thing... there was sooo many NEW spots promoters, i felt like a fresh spot! not knowing anyone. they introduced me to some of them but other people said theres like 8 more that wasnt there. im like wow.. this team really grew. With that, i think we had the longest and loudest spots chant in a looong ass time. I thought i was gonna loose my voice in a span of 1 minute. As the pasties show came on, all the heads were up on stage, i felt awkward lowkey, but i was buzzed so i said fuck it. haha. They introduced me to the owner who turned out to be this really nice guy. It was the most fun i've had in a club for the longest time. But to my surprise, the highlight of the night didnt come at the club, it was after...

i had a great heart to heart with my ex, we talked about virtually all of our problems. Did it help that i was kinda drunk and she was rolling?? yes. lol at first i thought it was kinda sad that we need to be intoxicated or on drugs to be able to speak freely about eachother. But the combination just set all the emotional garbage and pride aside.. it let us focus on what needs to be said rather than what we THINK needs to be said. Can i say i remembered everything we said last night, no. But we realized that we were on the same page all along. there was some stuff that i didnt realize about her and vice versa... alot of un-awarded efforts that we didnt notice before. To tell you the truth, i had given up on us.. like REALLY given up. it was a nice challenge being single at the club but having her around the corner, I can honestly say i was worried to say the least... (not gonna get into that right now) but yea, all the amped up anger and frustration kinda went out the window. idk now...

this underground SHIT

i used to be underground

i used to enjoy listening to that sound

mainly because it has substance

and the message was always constant

now i look back and i wonder why?

why do i look to these rappers to be my guide?

what i should respect is the hustle

like 50, drizzy drake and even russell

some cats might even think they sold out

u lyin if you say u dont want money and a fur mink coat because its cold out

even on a rainy day tupac nor MF wont even come thru

u just need a steady beat to bump to

i dont get how people can judge an artist just by what they write or stand for, i get lowkey annoyed because people say most these rappers/writters sold out because they went mainstream. Theres no shame in trying to get paid, i understand the lyrical content might not be as positive as an underground rapper, but why would u listen to music to get your daily tour guide in life? thats what books are for... to me music should be about forgetting yourself, a quick 4 minutes getaway. It shouldnt be taken seriously like a Bible. Ive seen firsthand what these artists go through, its not easy.. you need to have a legitimate work ethic to make it. Its a constant struggle to portray yourself a certain way. Yes some artists put up a front, some do it better than others, but who are you to knock em down just because theyre trying to get paid? show me a rapper who doesnt want to come up and i'll show you a liar.

Closer to my dreams - Drake

that time again

it is now that time

whole day seems gloomy, clouds passes right through me, and it reminded me of the sun

i keep a steady pace, trying not to rush, but my heart beats to you til it stops

memories keeps me away now and it stays while it fades

broken promises comes true leaving irony to rest

the day called forever was in reach now its just a story

pictures the only thing i have left

but to you i say good morning

the world

Yesterday was a big eye opener for me, I know who I am, what I do, and why I do them. But I finally came to terms that some things I do isn't right. You can't expect things to mold into your image of perfection everytime. Some things are already perfect. This flaw of mine has always made me or breake me.. I almost lost somone I trully loved because I wanted her to be stronger, I wanted her to understand me and what I do, when in reality the way I do things should not delegate everyone else's agenda around me. I always tell people I like pushing their buttons, when the only thing im pushing is myself. Pushing myself away from everyone I ever loved. This time luck was on my side and she understood. Its the greatest feeling in the world when you realized you've better urself.

Bottomline: it took almost loosing something I love the most in this whole world for me to finally realize how to overcome my biggest mental flaw. She is my rock, my anchor, she's the one that's always gonna keep me grounded and leveled, there's no one I would rather spend my life with than her, because to the world, she is one person, but to this one person, she is the world.

And I love her from here to...